HELP WANTED – (CLUB PROMPT – MARRIAGE)

It occurs to me that by marrying when I was 18 I really took a shot in the dark. My requirements for a husband at that point were pretty basic: he should be handsome and fun, he should love me, and he should have musical ability so that I could have beautiful musical children. Since my husband is DEFINITELY NOT musical (one of his big threats to our son is that he will show up at his school and sing to his friends), you can see I compromised right out of the gate. However, having been married almost 30 years to this man, I can’t help but think how my luck certainly did hold in that initial gamble I took. Knowing what I know now after all these years together, I’d have to say it’s a very good thing we married at 18 because my “requirements” now would be quite a bit different. If there had been dating classifieds back then, I can just see how my ad should’ve looked…..

HANDSOME INDIVIDUAL WANTED FOR MATRIMONY
ONCE FOR A LIFETIME OFFER
NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS

Benefits include:

  • Personal growth (especially in middle age)
  • Oodles of overtime (you’ll never have a moment to yourself for the next 50 years)
  • Probable expansion (in body, mind, and number of mouths to feed)
  • Possible relocation (to wherever anyone else needs you to be at any given time)

The qualified candidate will demonstrate:

  • Agreeable personality (meaning agrees with wife), great sense of humour (you’re going to need it), and tons of patience (with wife)

  • Ability to work full-time and go to school part-time for years while still maintaining worthwhile relationships with wife and children when you get home after 16-hour days

  • Ability to keep spouse under control but still find way for her to feel “in charge” to placate her need for control

  • Ability to perform wife’s desired home improvement tasks with enthusiasm

  • Willingness to patrol areas and kill all insect/reptile species invading family space while all other members of household scream loudly and speedily evacuate said area

  • Ability to be preoccupied with landscaping needs of family residence

  • Willingness to put up with, trip over, pay for, and clean up after variety of small household animals for sake of children’s emotional growth

  • Ability to remain rational and handle emotionally-charged issues with offspring while wife just rants about their ungratefulness

  • Ability to selflessly allow wife to take credit for most of your good ideas

  • Understanding when wife is frequently overwhelmed by obvious and utter hopelessness of offspring and threatens to just give up

  • Interest in being weekend cook for a variety of palates since wife is sick of cooking (grill provided)

  • Ability to shop for hours on end with no complaint (bonus points for finding anything that looks decent on wife’s current body shape)

  • Ability to overlook wife’s disinterest in housekeeping after being worn down by constant demands of small animals and children

  • Ability to lift heavy objects (without hurling them at wife, children, or small animals – even when they deserve it)

  • Ability to provide and maintain financial support and handle all retirement planning (so if we make it that far, we don’t starve)

♦♦♦Additional consideration given for willingness to provide back scratches on demand and adeptness in the art of foot massage

What you will get in return is a wife who:

  • Is your partner for life, grows up with you, and is your best support network (unless I disagree with your decision)

  • Does her very best to see that you have what you need, when you need it, with the least possible amount of hassle to you (as long as I have time)

  • Begins marriage as a strong independent person but gets more and more dependent on you as the years take their toll

  • Is a superior schedule maker that assures everything moves along as it should (until life gets in the way of said plan and I end up in tears)

  • Is a meticulous trip planner that ensures you have very best trips ever at best price possible (unless I’m feeling extravagant)

  • Is a holiday merry maker creating exciting holiday seasons (which also means you will be driven insane with my discussions of minute details)

  • Is on your side every step of the way in the creation of a bigger and better enterprise (unless I need a nap)

  • Is not very good at pregnancy (am convinced first child now scarred into never having children by witnessing my second child’s horrific gestation period), but does manage to produce two healthy offspring in the end

  • Is an independent mother of your children who will take care of most issues concerning them (until they fry my brain and I throw my hands up in defeat)

  • Tries very hard to hold it all together most days with only occasional lapses into unexplained sobbing frenzies

  • Loves you AND put up with your strange little idiosyncrasies (except the ones I just can’t handle)

  • Is hot, young thing when you marry her but after two kids and 28 ½ years isn’t going to look or function half the same

Yep, looking back on things, I am thinking I really got the best of this deal. My husband on the other hand…..we probably need to make sure he never sees this ad that should have been……

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49 thoughts on “HELP WANTED – (CLUB PROMPT – MARRIAGE)

  1. Sasha says:

    Oh, this is hilarious and yet beautiful as well!! Congrats to such a long and successful marriage!! It is my prayer I may be able to say as much after 30 years.

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  2. Haha! I love the compromises… On both sides! 😊. You both did well, I think… Congrats on your long marriage. Just getting ready to celebrate our 29th actually. I shudder to think of the bum deal my husband got when we got hitched… But I’m oh so grateful for his perseverance!

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    • Thanks so much for the comments and congrats! Our 29th comes up at end of summer…somehow it still seems unreal, but then I can’t really remember life without him either so I guess it’s true. Grateful for perseverance here too…”All it takes is love?” Thinking perseverance is actually more important, but I guess it doesn’t rhyme so well, huh?

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  3. This made me laugh! Marriage is one of those really really hard choices to make and commit to. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but when it is done right it can be the most beautiful thing on this planet. You’re husband is a very lucky man!

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  4. Well done! In hindsight, we all are so innocent and naive when we dive into the marriage waters! Like you I have 30 years under my belt and it’s been an amazing journey 🙂

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    • Too true and yes, ‘amazing journey’ is a very good way to describe it. I’ve ended up in places I never would’ve imagined and never COULD’VE imagined! A far cry from where I thought I was headed!

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      • Indeed – especially when we spend time with our grown sons. They are truly the manifestation of the years that have gone by and I can’t help but marvel at who they have become 🙂

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        • Isn’t that the strangest thing? I could never have predicted these sons of mine….proud of them I am, but I always wonder a) How did I get two such different boys? and b) Where in the world did they get all the ideas they come up with? Amazing for sure

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  5. I don’t know how in the world you either fell off my reader or never ended up there in the first place after I clicked “follow” some months ago but I can see that this has been sorely my grave loss. I love this post!! The concept, implantation, word choices and LOL humor!

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  6. I just read this to my mother, and she couldn’t stop laughing! Also being married at 18, she said it was spot on and ‘congratulations!’ because she too knows what being married for 30 years feels like. I really love the way you write!

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    • Ahhh, thank you so much. This could possibly be the best comment ever…..I love to hear I made someone laugh and I’m also quite chuffed to hear I’m not alone! Thanks for sharing and please tell your mother congrats right back!

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  7. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    Beautiful post! I smiled so much throughout – and the format!! An advertisement!
    🙂
    Has your husband seen this post? If he did end up doing so, reaction? 🙂

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    • Hah. I do not believe I showed this one to him. Thought perhaps it might actually give him the idea that he could do too much better! Is much better if he just thinks I am how wives are and he never knows any different. Am glad for the feedback though….thank you so much. Am glad to have made you smile. Am getting us through this transition time and then have plans to write more perhaps a little of my own experiences rather than the prompts for a bit. For sure, I’m getting plenty of fodder around here this week!

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  8. Well, now you know you need to put out a want ad for everything else that’s important in your life! Plumber? Want ad. Mother in law? want ad. Although the present one may put up a bit of a fight…

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    • Oh, you are so right! I should do a series of these. I especially like the mother-in-law one…….I didn’t fare too well in that area and could definitely write an ad for that one….especially since when I became a MIL I tried to rewrite the book I’d been given. Yes…I can see this happening now. I’ve been busy lately relocating but I’ve been trying to think of a new angle to go with on here…..yes, I think you may have just hit on it. Thanks so much for the idea!

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  9. I love this! I am new to blogging, motherhood, and marriage while you seem to be pretty experienced in all of those departments! I am looking forward to more posts so I can gain some insightful tips. Thank you for following!

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    • Hah! Well, I am experienced in my realms of motherhood and marriage, but not sure that’s going to help anyone else except maybe in giving them a good chuckle once in a while….as for blogging….It’s still a whole new world to me too! But am very glad we found each other’s blogs!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This is just fantastic! You had me laughing all through.Having been married at the ripe old age of *ahem* 21, I feel like I can relate a bit. I’m sure your husband didn’t do too shabby himself! 30 years–what a wonderful thing to celebrate! I hope to be there too someday!

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    • Am glad to have amused you……it is amusing around here most days…..thanks for popping over and if your blog is anything to go by you seem like just the type person that will hit 30 years with no problem…you seem to have very positive outlook on things and alot of pride in your fam! All as it should be!

      Like

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